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andrewd
03-11-2004, 02:03 PM
post jokes that you have here

dr dave has slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn`t. the guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. but every once in a while he`d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "dave, don`t worry about it. you aren`t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won`t be the last. and you`re single. just let it go." but invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering: "dave...you`re a vet"

andrewd
03-11-2004, 02:03 PM
post jokes that you have here

dr dave has slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn`t. the guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. but every once in a while he`d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "dave, don`t worry about it. you aren`t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won`t be the last. and you`re single. just let it go." but invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering: "dave...you`re a vet"

andrewd
03-11-2004, 02:05 PM
the good vs the bad http://fsae.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

(sorry if this offends, but its ment in good fun)

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''

gug
03-12-2004, 03:52 AM
a priest, a rabbai and a nun walk into a bar. the bartender says: "is this some kind of joke?".

http://fsae.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

ethanL007
03-12-2004, 04:38 AM
A skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a beer and a mop.

random
03-12-2004, 04:50 AM
I wonder how many of you have heard this one?

There was a gynaecologist's convention, and during a lunch break, a French and an American physician (males) have a chat about a few patients they have seen.

The Frenchman suddenly exclaims "I saw this woman the other day, and she had a clitoris like a melon!"

The American shakes his head and says "A golf ball maybe, but not melon size."

The Frenchman exclaims, "Stupid Americans, all you ever think about is the size. I am talking about the taste man! The taste!"

RocketScience
03-12-2004, 06:35 AM
A fairy penguin leaves Phillip Island for a driving holiday around Australia. On a lonely road in the middle of the outback the penguin notices smoke coming from the engine and nurses the car to the nearest town.

He finds a garage, but the mechanic tells him, "I won't be able to take a look at it for at least an hour mate."
The penguin takes a waddle through town and is getting very hot and bothered when he finds sanctuary in an Ice cream parlour.

He goes inside and orders a big bowl of vanilla icecream, but with his stumpy little flippers
manages only to make a big mess. Eventually he returns to the garage covered in melted icecream.

The mechanic peers up from under the hood and says "Mate, it looks like you've blown a seal".
The penguin, looking shocked, replies "No, no. I was eating icecream."

Big Daddy
03-12-2004, 07:27 AM
Monica Lewenski walked into her drycleaners shop and placed a dress on the counter. The she asked the older man behind the counter how long it will take. Being hard of hearing the man said Come Again? She said no this time its mustard.

Matt Ahl
03-12-2004, 10:39 AM
A gynaecologist decides he's fed up with his job and decides to pursue his true passion; he wants to become an auto mechanic. So he signs up for a training class at the local technical school and attends class for a year.

Then it comes down the final test. A 100 point test to see if each student can rebuild an engine. So the doctor goes through his rebuild, finishes up at the end of the day and asks the instructor to come score his rebuild. The instructor checks everything off and tells the doctor: "Engine looks good, so I'll give you the full 100 points for the test; and an extra 50 for doing the entire rebuild through the tailpipe."

Mike T.
03-12-2004, 07:24 PM
The dead baby jokes...I'm sure most of you have heard these before, but for those who haven't:

What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of babies? Only one of them can be emptied with a pitchfork.

What's worse that a dead baby in a dumpster? Ten dead babies in a dumpster. Whats worse than ten dead babies in a dumpster? Ten dead babies in ten dumpsters. Whats worse than ten dead babies in ten dumpsters? One dead baby in ten dumpsters.

More to come later...

gug
03-15-2004, 02:17 AM
a lecturer in medicine took his class for the first time into a morgue. he said "the first lesson i have to teach you is how to be comfortable with bodies." he then proceded to stick his finger in the nearest corpses ass and licked it. "now you all must do the same if you want to pass", he said.

with much reluctance, everyone in the class repeated the lecturer's actions. once they had finished, the lecturer said: "the next lesson you have to learn is observation. you will observe that i stuck my middle finger into the body, but i sucked my index finger"...

-
03-15-2004, 08:28 PM
An engineer, lawyer, and an artist all walk into a bar for a drink. After a few rounds the bartender asks "gents, if you could have only one, which would you prefer, a mistress or a wife?" The lawyer sternly answered first with his reply "I would want a wife to help bring a strong and moral cornerstone to my family, a just woman to help me raise my children". The artist jumped in next saying "I would want a mistress, she would fill me with passion and life, our relationship would never be dull." The bartender then turned to the engineer who replied "Ah, but I want both a wife and a mistress." The bartender spoke up and said "Well why do you want both?" "Well if you have both..." the engineer replied, "..each of them will think you are constantly with the other one, while in reality you can be in the lab actually getting some work done."

PatClarke
03-16-2004, 02:12 AM
Gee, I hope this thread dies soon
PDR

andrewd
03-16-2004, 12:38 PM
After graduating from the University of Arkansas, a young journalist gets a job at a tiny provincial newspaper in the middle of the prairies. His first assignment is to write a human-interest story, so he goes out to the country to do his research. Driving through the cornfields, he spies an old farmhand and introduces himself. ˜I was just wondering, sir' the young hack asked. ˜Out here in the middle of nowhere – has anything ever happened that made you happy?' The old-timer furrowed his weathered brow for a moment. ˜Yep!' he exclaimed, suddenly. ˜One time my neighbour's daughter, a good-looking girl, got lost. So we formed a posse, and went out and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.' The young journo blanched. ˜I can't print that!' he cried. ˜Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?' The farmer thought again. ˜Yeah!' he said, finally. ˜One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. After forming a posse, we found it and all screwed it before we took it back home.' ˜Christ!' says the young man. ˜I can't print that either!' He thinks for a while. ˜Okay – has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?' The old man looked at the ground. ˜Well,' he said sheepishly. ˜I got lost once.'

roadrunner
03-20-2004, 05:44 AM
a pessimist looks at a glass and says, that glass is half empty. An optimist looks at a glass and goes, that glass is half full. An engineer looks at the glass and says, that glass is over designed for requirements

Scuderia_Russ
03-21-2004, 12:30 PM
Whats twenty feet long and stinks of piss?


The conga line at the old folks home.

Matt Gignac
03-21-2004, 02:14 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by roadrunner:
a pessimist looks at a glass and says, that glass is half empty. An optimist looks at a glass and goes, that glass is half full. An engineer looks at the glass and says, that glass is over designed for requirements <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

A GOOD engineer looks at the glass and says, more beer can be put in it.

Matt G
McGill Racing Team

Brent
03-22-2004, 04:29 PM
What do you call a bunch of gay guys in a circle?

A Fruit loop.

matty250
04-06-2004, 05:07 AM
I hope this doesn't offend anyone http://fsae.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

3 guys are walking down the beach of a deserted island. There is an English-man, and Australian and an Irish-man. Out of the bushes pops a group of cannibals who take the three men prisoner. The cannibals take the men back to their camp.

They pull the English-man out of the group and say "English-man, we want u to go into the forrest and bring back 10 pieces of fruit". The English-man comes back with 10 oranges. The cannibals say "ok, now we want u to put those 10 oranges up your arse without making a face and if u do we will eat u". The English-man gets the first one up ok but gets to the second one and grimaces in pain, so they eat him and he goes to heaven.

Next they pull the Australian aside and say the same thing "we want u to go into the forrest and bring back 10 pieces of fruit". The Australian goes out and brings back 10 grapes. Same deal "we want u to shove those 10 grapes up your arse without making a face and if you do we'll eat u". He gets up to the 9th grape and starts crying with laughter, so they eat him and he too goes to heaven.

The English-man and the Australian meet up in heaven, the English-man walks to the Australian and says "I was watching u Australian, u had it made, why did you start laughing"? The Australian replies "i couldnt help it, i saw the irish-man coming back and he was carrying pineapples. http://fsae.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

THATS GOTTA HURT

One more short one, that goes with the baby jokes above,

Whats better than shagging 23 year-olds?
&gt;Shagging 20 3 year-olds

Sorry!!! Hope u enjoyed

gug
04-06-2004, 05:44 AM
1) President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They spent the day discussin what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. Said the African leader "Tee Russians, they built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learn to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." President Clinton frowned "Russian roulette isnt a nice game" The African leader smiles "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with out country, you have to play. I will show you."

He pushed a buzzer and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex" he told Clinton.
"Unreal", Clinton said. "But it doesn't seem much like Russian Roulette"

"Trust me, it is. One of the is a cannibal......

2) Jock was enjoyin his life and career, but as he got older, he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. After being referred from on specialist to another, he finally came acros a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is i can cure your headaches" said the doctor. "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes you testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure if to remove the testicles."

Jock was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had aything to live for. He couldnt concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothin store and thought "Thats what i need, a new suit, my wife buys a new hat when she is sad and that cheers her up"

He entered the store and told the sales assistant " i'd like a new suit" The salesman eyed him briefly and said "Let's see....size 42 long". Jock laughed"that's rite, how did you know?" THe saleman replies "Its my job" Jock tried on the suit and it fitted perfectly. As Jock admired himself in teh mirroe, the saleman asked, "How about a new shirt". Jock thought for a moment and said "Sure...." THe salesman eyed Jock for a moment and said " LEt me see..... 36 sleeve and...15 and a half neck" Jock was surpirsed, "That's rite, how did you know" "ITs my job" Jock tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. As Jock adjusted the collard in the mirror, the salesman asked How about a new pair of shoes" Jock was on a roll and said "SUre" Tghe salesman eyes Jock's feet and said "Let see....9 and a half..narrow" Jock was astonished "Thats rite how did u know" "Its my job" Jock tried then on and they fitted perfectly. THen the salesman said "How about a new hat" Jock said "Sure" THe sales person eyed Jock's head and sai "let see....7 5/8?" Jock said.. how did u know in which the salesperson replied it's my job.

THE hat fitted perfectly. JOck was feelin great when the sales person says how about some new underwear? Jock thouhght for a second and said why not. THe salesman stepped back and looks at Jock "let ssee....size 36" Jock laughed "No i've worn 34 since i was 18 years old"

THe Salesman shook his head "No No NO. You cant wear a size 34. Not you sir. IT would press your testicles against the base of you spine and give you the most incredible headaches....."



spelling errors are not mine, this was cut & pasted.

gug
04-07-2004, 08:08 AM
i love this one:

Management theory


A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.


She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.


"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"


"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact Is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"


"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You Made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Trans Am
04-08-2004, 11:13 PM
Here's a few:

-A man, After 20 years of dealing with how different he looked compared to my brother and sisters, he asked his mother, "Was I Adopted?". She said, "Yes, you were, but it didn't work out and they gave you back."

-Why can't you tell knok-knock Jokes to blonds? Because they keep answering the door.

-Frank arrived home late after a slight delay at the Police Station, not wanting to wake his wife he slowly and quietly undressed with the lights off and slid into bed alongside her. He then realized she was already awake. A second later she turned to him and said, "Honey, I have a terrible headache and were out of asprin, could you run and get some?" Feeling sorry for getting home late he decided to go without question and began getting dressed in the dark. He then headed over to the local Drug Store and found the asprin on the shelves. While in the process of paying for the asprin the clerk said, "Aren't you the Police Chief Frank Johnson?" Franks replied, "Yeah, so what?" The clerk then answered, "So then why are you dressed up like the Fire Chief?"